Why do so many of us find it so hard to ask for help, especially with our relationships? Do we really believe that relationships with our partners or our family are just meant to be easy, simple to figure out and without their difficulties? It seems like most of us think one of two things. Either that a relationship being difficult means it can't work and we need to walk away from it, shut the person out of our life and move on towards those that are more simplistic. Or we should be able to work through the problems ourselves, that we should all be equipped with the ability to manage difficult dynamics and highly charged emotions and if we are unable, that is somehow a failing of our make up and personality.
The truth is, relationships can be hard, but asking for help with them, especially from a professional, can be even harder. The first step is letting ourselves realise we could use a little help. The second step, that really needs to come right after that, is that needing a little help, in life in general, is perfectly normal. I am sure that most therapists will tell you that, like me, the people they have worked with form a diverse cross section of people. As a systemic therapist, I have seen individuals, couples, families made up of parent and young child, parent and adult child, siblings, grand parents, even groups of colleagues trying to make things better in their workplaces.
The stories behind each piece of work differ greatly too, but despite these differences, a few things remain consistent:
1. Things aren't the way they wished they could be
2. Communication between people isn't working
3. They wish they'd sought help sooner
Point 3 isn't just about having experienced the change that therapy can illicit (although that is often the feedback) but also about how we can let things drift or fragment or escalate before we seek the help we need. Feeling alone on stormy seas, with no land in sight, we can find ourselves plotting our own course based on the little evidence we have to guide us, thus finding ourselves sailing further and further away from the place we want to be. Entering in to therapy as a 'last resort' can, of course, still be hugely beneficial but at that stage the problems have become so entrenched and the positions occupied by people in the system so far removed, that the work is often more complex and more painful for all concerned.
By taking the step to engage with systemic therapy early, when there is a feeling that things are not as we would like them to be but that each person is still receptive and looking to make change happen together, the work undertaken can often be brief, more enjoyable and yield greater results with regards to change that not only impact in the immediate but that become applicable and transferrable to other aspects of our lives in the future.
By seeking some help, we are able to adjust our course more quickly and steer our drifting ships back together to sail towards a brighter and more communicative future.
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