There is a space that exists between each of us. A gap we much reach across, both metaphorically and physically, so that we can stay connected.
But what happens if there is a disconnect, a crumbling of the bridge that joins our two worlds? What happens to the flow of information when diplomatic links break down and boarder walls go up? I use those metaphors purposefully for we know what happens in the geopolitical world when this happens. Allies become potential enemies, trust gives way to suspicion and every movement of the other side is discussed, strategised, extrapolated and analysed, often with the most dire and nefarious purpose chosen as the likely reason for any action or undertaking. Cold war becomes hot, threats are made, shots are fired, others are made to chose sides, no one is willing to take a backward step and whole worlds burn as all out war erupts.
Phew...that escalated quickly!!
Fortunately, when it comes to actual war things tend not to move that fast and total annihilation doesn't occur at such breakneck speed.
The same cannot be said for our relationships, however. The speed at which a breakdown in communication can lead to active hostilities is often dramatic. Nature abhors a void and we are quick to supplement the lack of information created when we don't communicate with our own views points and created understanding of the other person's words and action.
We begin to apply perceived meaning to all the other person does, without checking out with them if we are correct in our assumptions.
Confirmation bias comes in to play here. Our relationships are rarely in a good place when we are not talking, which means in our minds we are seeking affirmation of the transgressions of the other person. Every action is viewed through a negative lens of suspicion and doubt, anger and frustration find root in the narratives we create about the intent of our significant other/s and so the escalation continues.
Even when the challenges are voiced and intent is explained, so suspicious are we by that point that the very explanations that in a better, more receptive time, would make sense and appease further hostilities only serve to create derision and incredulity and widen that space between.
And yet it is possible to find a path to love and harmony once more. Much like when two countries find themselves at odds and a peace broker nation is appointed by the UN to intervene, so a third party can offer neutral ground and a place to find a way to come together again with those we cherish the most.
Part of the skill of systemic therapy lays in creating a space where ideas of difference and controversy can be explored, where risks can be taken in the hope of co-creating a greater understanding of each others needs and foundations can be laid towards a more positive, open and communicative future. The late, great Barry Mason called this a place of 'safe uncertainty', where it was ok to be unsure yet honest, bold yet gentle, to feel able to take risks with one another but feel safe to do so.
It's a scary place to look at from the outside. Exposing and somewhat out of our control, but that place is where true truths are told. Where we are able to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and receive the other people in our lives into our trust whilst giving ourselves to theirs. Being able to truly hear each other and to be heard. To allow ourselves to let go of the meaning we had held onto as truth for so long and contemplate a new possibility.
In this journey of the mind and, maybe, the soul, the therapist is a guide, a privilege good therapists hold lightly and revere, but the steps that need to be taken, the path that must be walked, has to be by ourselves, and we must do that together in order to reach the place we wish to go to, the place we are constructing new, more positive meanings together.
Ultimately, it is part of the human condition to search for meaning in our lives, for our lives to mean something, for something to mean something to us. That search and, possibly, the success of such a quest is almost always deeper and more meaningful when it is achieved with others by our side. So much so that the journey and its destination become less important than the shared understanding of them both between us and our travelling companions.
Moving towards each other as we travel, closer together, maybe more so than ever before.
Truly understanding and narrowing that space between
Commentaires